The Hardest Part

 The things people say echo in our mind and restructure our future.  I have been careless with my words many times.  I know it has caused pain and great change in both healthy and unhealthy ways for other people.  Someone once told me that my father was a coward and could not stand to look himself in the mirror.  That haunted me for years only to repeat back to me once I had my final abortion at several weeks.  I found that my actions felt cruel, evil and unjustified.  There is another side to that coin which caused me to go through with the action, but the defining feature once it was done was pain.  I can clarify now that the pain was caused from guilt.  It felt like there was nothing to be done.  My actions paved the way for my future and my future felt empty, cold and bleak without the warmth of the child I carried for almost three months.  I felt like a monster, but I also felt pushed into the direction of abortion indirectly.  I had some sense of feeling like my actions were in alignment with the situation, but as a woman, as a potential mother who felt the warmth of carrying a child and ripping it from my own womb in fear, anger and confusion, I knew my actions could not be justified, for the only person who could truly and undeniably feel the life of my child was me.  How could I do such a thing.  I had always been such a gentle person and this felt like something I could never do.  Do NOT make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion.  My bff always said that to me and I listened, but not this time.  I wish someone had shaken me awake, but every friend I had at the time either pushed me into the direction of abortion or did not want any responsibility in the matter so only supported whatever decision I made.  Perhaps that is an unfair way to describe people who say nothing when they see someone else going over a cliff .  I know I have made that error many times, but I won’t continue to make it.