World building towards the light

 It has recently come to my awareness that in trusting others, I have vacated trusting myself, my principles and my values.  Somewhere in this harsh reality over the past several years, I have allowed others to tell me what is right and what will do for my life.  I don’t think the consequences of others abandoning me were so detrimental as that of me abandoning myself.  I have strong moral views, but was taught that morality is futile and always subject to interpretation and criticism.  While the latter part is true, having strong moral views is not futile.  I learned how to stop trusting myself by learning to trust others ahead of myself.  My mistakes caused me to shift power to those around me as I must have stopped trusting myself after the abortion.  It doesn’t matter who tells you something.  A boss, a therapist, a friend you have trusted for years or someone you just met.  Trusting your own judgement is so important in protecting yourself from the harsh reality others will subjec

  The things people say echo in our mind and restructure our future.     I have been careless with my words many times.     I know it has caused pain and great change in both healthy and unhealthy ways for other people.     Someone once told me that my father was a coward and could not stand to look himself in the mirror.     That haunted me for years only to repeat back to me once I had my final abortion at several weeks.   I found that my actions felt cruel, evil and unjustified.     There is another side to that coin which caused me to go through with the action, but the defining feature once it was done was pain.     I can clarify now that the pain was caused from guilt.     It felt like there was nothing to be done.     My actions paved the way for my future and my future felt empty, cold and bleak without the warmth of the child I carried for almost three months.     I felt like a monster, but I also felt pushed into the direction of abortion indirectly.     I had some sense of f

  It’s been said that the first step is the hardest.  I can attest that the first step into descent is the blindest.  Taking steps by yourself in directions without scoping out the uncharted territory adequately can be extremely dangerous.  Token advice is that if you’re unwilling to take risks, then you’ll never know what you’re capable of.  Not all risks are created equal.     People like me, who look and find deeper meaning in almost anything meaning can be derived or created from…it is us who need to be more careful here not to get lost in the details and forget the actual issue we are attempting to unearth the truth of for ourselves.  Upon educating myself on abortion, I found almost nothing of substance.  This could have been an inadequacy in locating clear research according to the limits of my means at the time.  What I did find seemed to be driven by some political or religious ideology which I thought must surely be governed by ancient and outdated ideologies which needed to